Nailed it. Winning this day. Dogs out and lawn mowed before the rain began in earnest. Good coffee talk with the neurotic wives. As great as it feels every Thursday to catch up on chores, errands and hanging with the ladies, I still can’t decide if the chance for these hours free of work is worth the loss of income and additional stress at the office. Yesterday, I nearly had a meltdown (the ongoing hormone carnival ride isn’t helping) when random question #286 of the day walked up while don’t-really-have-a-question-just-thought-I’d-loiter-here-not-leaving-after-being-told-you’re-so-busy-you’re-drowning was also standing there. When it turned out random question was pretty complicated and one for which I had no response, I heard words coming out of my mouth along the lines of “why does everything have to be so hard around here now?” I just don’t think I’m capable of stretching myself any further. I think I’ve finally found the point at which my rubber just snaps. Hair pins will be left spinning in the air behind me as I run from the place (look up Witch Hazel from Bugs Bunny cartoons if you’re not getting this).
Now what? I’ve long bemoaned the fact that I don’t have any obvious talents. Juggling balls – yes. The non-literal kind that is, I’m not that into trying real ones, I’m already too clownish as it is. So yeah, a “generalist,” not specialized. There is no particular thing that I have a natural adeptness doing. I try a lot of different things and have yet to find anything where it’s just like butter. I may have delusions thinking that most people *do* have something that just comes easily. Probably, everyone has to work really hard at things to get good and I’m just too lazy to do the work.
But it’s not actually true – some people really are naturally good at things. Even when they don’t think so. That is one talent I have – I’m really good at surrounding myself with people who seem to have innate abilities. Doug has always been able to just pick new things up, like pottery or carpentry. Same with games; croquet is good fun no matter what, but he’s always gotta be winning. (Well, maybe I have a chance now. In our dark humor moments we joke that I used to whine that everything came too easily to him and now I’m finally better at some things. Like my knife skills in the kitchen are WAY better. Yes, it’s macabre, but you have to laugh at this shit now and then.)
So the question then becomes – what would make me actually do the work? Maybe Russell’s right, maybe the separation IS in the preparation. I have never really believed that hard work pays off – I guess I’ve always thought that if you aren’t just good at something, then it isn’t your thing. But now I’ve wasted 45 years not being good at things and not trying to be good at things. At some point you have to say to yourself, quit being a crazy whiny bitch and just get busy. Otherwise, shut up and go back to the crazy-making place, slap your hair pins back in and keep getting dem checks.